If I was to write about all the things I was guilty of, I would easily write a novel. It’s no exaggeration, at least to me, that I have many things to feel guilty of, from past experiences to personal feelings. The easiest thing for me to write about on this blog, without dipping into my inner territories, is writing itself. Writing is the reason why I started this blog, so naturally I lean towards writing about it when I’m not bumbling around trying to figure out what topic to write about.
I am guilty for the abandonment of this blog. For years I’ve dreamed of being a writer, and I started this up to get some practice in, to hopefully somehow get noticed or have a backlog of my creative experiences. I also needed a place to write about the things I love the most – music and movies, along with a few other things along the way.
Admittedly, my writing isn’t it’s best – even this post is a confusing, watery wreck. It’s still shaky, particularly as my regular writing sessions outside of the online world stopped thanks to metaphorical mud being thrown into my creativity’s face. Yet it’s not about how good I am or how I compare to other writers. It’s about being able to take things from my mind, as confusing and weak as they are, and systematically typing them up into something that makes sense.
Since I haven’t been doing that – writing anything at all over many months, let alone regularly – I feel guilt. Not that I’m letting anyone down – my blog is invisible to all but me – but I am letting myself down. I’m letting down my past self by not fulfilling the dreams I had since I was a child. I’m letting my present self down by failing to do what I love. I’m letting my future self down, by not taking the opportunity to write now so I have something to fall back on and be proud of when the time comes.
I have little to say, as this is just something I’ve began to write off the top of my head without planning, but I’m hoping this will be the start of a new path of writing and pushing myself to get better at what I love to do. Perhaps it will stop the feelings that I’m not living up to my potential. After all, I’m the only person who can finish my own guilt.